From the inbox [reading between the lines]:
Dear [Stupid Pathetic Loser]:
I have read the paper "[Stupid Title]" that you recently submitted to Journal of [You'll Never, Ever Publish a Paper Here]. I am sorry to report that based on my read, I believe it is unlikely that the paper would receive a positive review from [JYNEPPH] referees [or anyone, for that matter]. Although the issues you address are important [to your mom, maybe], as currently crafted, I think it likely that most [JYNEPPH] readers would feel that the paper is better suited for [your personal webpage, maybe]. For these reasons, I have decided to reject your manuscript without going through the refereeing process.
I realize that this is not a welcome decision, but I believe it is better to provide you with a quick decision rather than having you wait several months for the same outcome [and wasting the time and patience of everyone with your stupid ideas and incorrect theory and econometrics].
Thank you nevertheless for giving the [JYNEPPH] the opportunity to consider your work [LOL]. I hope that you will consider the [JYNEPPH] for your future work [gag] despite the disappointing outcome in this instance [you stupid loser].
