BOONE, NC — In a move that is being lauded for its ingenuity, Appalachian State has announced plans to convert the entire Appalachian Mountain range into the world’s least-attended football stadium.
“The decision was made by the board of trustees with Appalachian State’s best interests at heart,” athletic director Doug Gillin explained, “The more resources the school dedicates to the football team, the more students will want to come to the school, which will make more money for the university. In turn, we can then use that money to dedicate more resources to the football team. It’s just simple economics really.”
Expecting to cost the university around $10.27 quadrillion, the planned expansion will stretch Kidd Brewer Stadium across 757,000 sq miles starting in central Alabama and ending in southeastern Canada.
“We here at Appalachian State are more than a university, we are a family,” Chancellor Everts wrote in a mass email detailing the 4.5 billion percent increase to tuition required to help cover the cost of the project, “And even though the school will no longer be offering academic, social, and non-football related athletic programs, I know, as a family, we will persevere through these harrowing times. Go Mountaineers!”
Since the email was sent out, most students have begun working on transferring, but others, like in-state freshman Alex Davis, have remained optimistic about the school’s future.
“604 billion dollars a year is a bit pricey, but I really love it here and I can’t imagine myself going anywhere else,” Davis explained, “It’s just in such a great location! Plus, I already have some student loans anyway so I’ll probably just take some more out. I’ll only end up owing the US government like 13% of the national debt by the time I graduate, which actually isn’t that bad if you don’t think about it.”
At press time, construction workers were seen beginning to demolish the mountains closest to Kidd Brewer Stadium in preparation for the expansion.
Rotten Appal appears to be the Onion for Appstate students. I like it.