BOONE, NC — In a move that is being lauded for its ingenuity, Appalachian State has announced plans to convert the entire Appalachian Mountain range into the world’s least-attended football stadium.
“The decision was made by the board of trustees with Appalachian State’s best interests at heart,” athletic director Doug Gillin explained, “The more resources the school dedicates to the football team, the more students will want to come to the school, which will make more money for the university. In turn, we can then use that money to dedicate more resources to the football team. It’s just simple economics really.”
Expecting to cost the university around $10.27 quadrillion, the planned expansion will stretch Kidd Brewer Stadium across 757,000 sq miles starting in central Alabama and ending in southeastern Canada.
“We here at Appalachian State are more than a university, we are a family,” Chancellor Everts wrote in a mass email detailing the 4.5 billion percent increase to tuition required to help cover the cost of the project, “And even though the school will no longer be offering academic, social, and non-football related athletic programs, I know, as a family, we will persevere through these harrowing times. Go Mountaineers!”
Since the email was sent out, most students have begun working on transferring, but others, like in-state freshman Alex Davis, have remained optimistic about the school’s future.
“604 billion dollars a year is a bit pricey, but I really love it here and I can’t imagine myself going anywhere else,” Davis explained, “It’s just in such a great location! Plus, I already have some student loans anyway so I’ll probably just take some more out. I’ll only end up owing the US government like 13% of the national debt by the time I graduate, which actually isn’t that bad if you don’t think about it.”
At press time, construction workers were seen beginning to demolish the mountains closest to Kidd Brewer Stadium in preparation for the expansion.
Let’s all take a minute to appreciate what a thoughtful nature journalist Mark Trail is. Sure, that box of glowing rods marked by a giant radiation symbol is probably full of radioactive material, but wouldn’t it be embarrassing if a team from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission came out and found a bunch of gag novelty items or something like that? I think once Mark does eventually call them in, and they hear that he dicked around for a few days waiting for special dive suits to be shipped to him and then went poking around himself without any training on how to handle radioactive material, they’ll be glad he didn’t waste their time!
WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Admitting it has had its eye on the property for quite some time, the Atlantic Ocean confirmed Monday that it was looking forward to moving into a beautiful beachfront mansion in the near future. “For the longest time it seemed like this place was completely out of reach for me, but I’ve come a long way in the past few years, and now it’s looking more and more like a real possibility,” said the body of water, which confided that, after having admired the building’s impressive exterior and grounds for so long, it was thrilled at the prospect of finally going inside and exploring all eight bedrooms and 7,500 square feet of living area. “I’m not quite ready yet, but in a couple years or so, I can definitely see myself in there, making the place completely my own. And the little beachside community that the house is located in is just so cute, too—I can’t wait to go through and visit all the shops and restaurants.” The ocean noted, however, that it might make a few cosmetic changes to the mansion once it moves in, including gutting the lower floor and taking out a few walls.
BOONE, NC — In an incident that students involved are calling “absolute gold” and “oh my god hang on a second I’m dying”, local freshman Matty Bridges reportedly called his Economics professor “mom”.
“Oh god, ok so he had a question while we were going through the PowerPoint, right? So when he raised his hand he goes ‘uh mom?’” laughed Bobby Trenton, who was sitting next to Bridges at the time of the faux pas. “Then the room went completely silent, the kid grabbed his book bag, pushed away from the desk and then just left. He ran into like two desks and the door on the way out.”
Within mere hours, classmates noted, Bridges’ name was absent from the class registry, and hallmates have claimed he has yet to emerge from his dorm room closet.
“He was kind of robotic about it…like he had left his body,” observed Natalie Fredericks, who seemed concerned. “I heard him muttering ‘oh my god, oh my god, oh my god’…I think he farted when he knocked into the door on the way out.”
Bridges has reportedly dyed and cut his hair and deleted his Facebook since dropping the course. When reached for comment said only: “It was early, okay? I-I meant to say “ma’am”…SHUT UP!”.
According to a new report from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, July was the hottest month since recordkeeping began in 1880, averaging 1.46 degrees hotter than the July average and beating the previous record-setting month by .14 degrees. What do you think?
“And if the world works together, we can make next July even hotter.”
Mickey Copeland Statistics Compiler
“Everyone knows the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is always talking out of its ass.”
Dustin Belair Lobster Importer
“As a nation, we’re doing a terrible job of manipulating statistics.”
President Obama unveiled Monday a plan to increase the country’s clean power usage that many are calling the strongest action ever taken by a U.S. president to combat the effects of climate change. Here are some key details of Obama’s climate change plan:
Immediate removal of smokestacks atop White House
Designates team of workers to cool down planet’s hottest surfaces with damp towels and washcloths
Increases wind by 80 million gusts
Provides state governments with template for lawsuit to file in federal court
Sets aside a couple ecosystems to decimate every few years to release repressed environmentally destructive energy
Creates $500 tax credit for homeowners who install rooftop nuclear reactors
Encourages citizens to choose more environmentally friendly method of suicide than running car in garage
Serves as major legacy-builder for Obama until presidential system is forgotten in catastrophic, drought-ravaged Black Times beginning in 2047
If they asked me I would say something about benefits and costs, but that's just me:
A new study has found that the global bumblebee population is declining rapidly and entire species of the pollinating insect are dying out, a phenomenon largely attributed to pesticide use and climate change that threatens the world’s food supply. What do you think?
“Ideally, this will be one of those ‘our children and grandchildren’ problems.”
Gabe Winton Unemployed
“There are a ton of bees around the trash can behind the Blumberg Jewish Community Center. Have the scientists looked there?”
Travis Padilla Key Grip
“Anyone unconvinced by the human toll of climate change will surely be moved by the plight of the bees.”
"This blog aims to look at more of the microeconomic ideas that can be used toward environmental ends. Bringing to bear a large quantity of external sources and articles, this blog presents a clear vision of what economic environmentalism can be."
Don't believe what they're saying
And allow me a quick moment to gush: ... The env-econ.net blog was more or less a lifeline in that period of my life, as it was one of the few ways I stayed plugged into the env. econ scene. -- Anonymous
... the Environmental Economics blog ... is now the default homepage on my browser (but then again, I guess I am a wonk -- a word I learned on the E.E. blog). That is a very nice service to the profession. -- Anonymous
"... I try and read the blog everyday and have pointed it out to other faculty who have their students read it for class. It is truly one of the best things in the blogosphere." -- Anonymous