Saying the effects were almost immediate and largely unavoidable, the National Institute of Food and Agriculture released a report Tuesday linking red meat to contentedly patting one’s belly. “Our data show a strong, statistically significant correlation between consuming servings of red meat and pushing back one’s chair, letting out a satisfied sigh, and gently patting or rubbing one’s abdomen with either one or both hands,” said lead researcher Elliott Hyde, who explained that eating cuts of beef, pork, or lamb was also found to cause acute sereneness and glazing-over of the eyes.
Yet, correlation doesn't prove causation. A good researcher should develop some theory before testing this with regression analysis.
A colleague received an email that alerted me to this one:
Asian Social Science (ASS) is an international, double-blind peer-reviewed, open-access journal published by the Canadian Center of Science and Education. The journal focuses on the following topics: anthropology, sociology, politics, culture, history, philosophy, economics, education, management, arts, laws, linguistics and psychology. It provides an academic platform for professionals and researchers to contribute innovative work in the field. The journal carries original and full-length articles that reflect the latest research and developments in both theoretical and practical aspects of society and human behaviors.
BOONE, NC — In a move that is being lauded for its ingenuity, Appalachian State has announced plans to convert the entire Appalachian Mountain range into the world’s least-attended football stadium.
“The decision was made by the board of trustees with Appalachian State’s best interests at heart,” athletic director Doug Gillin explained, “The more resources the school dedicates to the football team, the more students will want to come to the school, which will make more money for the university. In turn, we can then use that money to dedicate more resources to the football team. It’s just simple economics really.”
Expecting to cost the university around $10.27 quadrillion, the planned expansion will stretch Kidd Brewer Stadium across 757,000 sq miles starting in central Alabama and ending in southeastern Canada.
“We here at Appalachian State are more than a university, we are a family,” Chancellor Everts wrote in a mass email detailing the 4.5 billion percent increase to tuition required to help cover the cost of the project, “And even though the school will no longer be offering academic, social, and non-football related athletic programs, I know, as a family, we will persevere through these harrowing times. Go Mountaineers!”
Since the email was sent out, most students have begun working on transferring, but others, like in-state freshman Alex Davis, have remained optimistic about the school’s future.
“604 billion dollars a year is a bit pricey, but I really love it here and I can’t imagine myself going anywhere else,” Davis explained, “It’s just in such a great location! Plus, I already have some student loans anyway so I’ll probably just take some more out. I’ll only end up owing the US government like 13% of the national debt by the time I graduate, which actually isn’t that bad if you don’t think about it.”
At press time, construction workers were seen beginning to demolish the mountains closest to Kidd Brewer Stadium in preparation for the expansion.
Let’s all take a minute to appreciate what a thoughtful nature journalist Mark Trail is. Sure, that box of glowing rods marked by a giant radiation symbol is probably full of radioactive material, but wouldn’t it be embarrassing if a team from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission came out and found a bunch of gag novelty items or something like that? I think once Mark does eventually call them in, and they hear that he dicked around for a few days waiting for special dive suits to be shipped to him and then went poking around himself without any training on how to handle radioactive material, they’ll be glad he didn’t waste their time!
WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Admitting it has had its eye on the property for quite some time, the Atlantic Ocean confirmed Monday that it was looking forward to moving into a beautiful beachfront mansion in the near future. “For the longest time it seemed like this place was completely out of reach for me, but I’ve come a long way in the past few years, and now it’s looking more and more like a real possibility,” said the body of water, which confided that, after having admired the building’s impressive exterior and grounds for so long, it was thrilled at the prospect of finally going inside and exploring all eight bedrooms and 7,500 square feet of living area. “I’m not quite ready yet, but in a couple years or so, I can definitely see myself in there, making the place completely my own. And the little beachside community that the house is located in is just so cute, too—I can’t wait to go through and visit all the shops and restaurants.” The ocean noted, however, that it might make a few cosmetic changes to the mansion once it moves in, including gutting the lower floor and taking out a few walls.
BOONE, NC — In an incident that students involved are calling “absolute gold” and “oh my god hang on a second I’m dying”, local freshman Matty Bridges reportedly called his Economics professor “mom”.
“Oh god, ok so he had a question while we were going through the PowerPoint, right? So when he raised his hand he goes ‘uh mom?’” laughed Bobby Trenton, who was sitting next to Bridges at the time of the faux pas. “Then the room went completely silent, the kid grabbed his book bag, pushed away from the desk and then just left. He ran into like two desks and the door on the way out.”
Within mere hours, classmates noted, Bridges’ name was absent from the class registry, and hallmates have claimed he has yet to emerge from his dorm room closet.
“He was kind of robotic about it…like he had left his body,” observed Natalie Fredericks, who seemed concerned. “I heard him muttering ‘oh my god, oh my god, oh my god’…I think he farted when he knocked into the door on the way out.”
Bridges has reportedly dyed and cut his hair and deleted his Facebook since dropping the course. When reached for comment said only: “It was early, okay? I-I meant to say “ma’am”…SHUT UP!”.
According to a new report from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, July was the hottest month since recordkeeping began in 1880, averaging 1.46 degrees hotter than the July average and beating the previous record-setting month by .14 degrees. What do you think?
“And if the world works together, we can make next July even hotter.”
Mickey Copeland Statistics Compiler
“Everyone knows the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is always talking out of its ass.”
Dustin Belair Lobster Importer
“As a nation, we’re doing a terrible job of manipulating statistics.”
"This blog aims to look at more of the microeconomic ideas that can be used toward environmental ends. Bringing to bear a large quantity of external sources and articles, this blog presents a clear vision of what economic environmentalism can be."
Don't believe what they're saying
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... the Environmental Economics blog ... is now the default homepage on my browser (but then again, I guess I am a wonk -- a word I learned on the E.E. blog). That is a very nice service to the profession. -- Anonymous
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