In my neverending attempt to lead by example, I just turned in my 2008 Annual Report a full five and a half hours before the deadline. The 50 page report (yes, you read that right) consisted of:
- A 25-page print out from the college Unified Reporting System database listing all of my wonderful accomplishments in 2008, in a format that is indecipherable.
- A 5-page statement of responsibilities and plan of work for 2009. Don't tell anyone, but I just cutted (is that a word? My brain is scrambled.) and pasted from my 2008 plan of work, which was cutted and pasted from my 2007 plan and so on...
- A one page report of interdisciplinary collaboration in 2008.
- A one page report of funding sources for 2008 (grants, contractsm etc.). If you are asking yourself why a 21st century university would need a paper report to summarize information they could pull from the university accounting system, you're not alone.
- A two-page curriculum vita(e) (think long resume).
- An 18-page full curriculum vita(e) (think really long resume) summarizing everything I have done in my 13 year career.
For the uninformed, you might think there is some redundancy in these items. While you would be right, you clearly are not privy to the level of reporting necessary in the highly developed field of academia.
My favorite part of the annual report--What is your contribution to a positive workplace environment?
Answer: I'm just a fun person to be around.
Yes, I wrote that in my report. Nobody reads this crap anyway.
Wait -- we can hire people to read them! Green Jobs! (Think of it, they can ask you follow-up questions! More work for America!)
Posted by: David Zetland | January 12, 2009 at 12:05 PM
Hah, on ours we have to explain our separate contributions to civility, diversity, and collegiality for 2008. Uh, my colleague M and I got a beer and commiserated about filling out this form? Making us 'collegial'?
Posted by: Shelley Norman | January 12, 2009 at 01:24 PM
"How do you contribute to departmental diversity?
Thought 1: I bring height.
Thought 2: Since there is a need for diversity because of mid career white males like me, I must, by definition, contribute to that diversity.
Thought 3: I bite my tongue.
Thought 4: I think different than most.
Posted by: Tim Haab | January 12, 2009 at 01:33 PM
"Yes, I wrote that in my report. Nobody reads this crap anyway."
But wait! Doesn't this go into your permanent record?
As for #4: "A one page report of funding sources for 2008 (grants, contractsm etc.)" You work for a state university. They just want to make sure they haven't missed any sources of funding....
Posted by: Ironman | January 12, 2009 at 01:51 PM
How about "have not started fires in the clutter of paper on my desk," "try to bathe periodically," "have not brought my hunting dog to work this year," and so on. But maybe you have.
Posted by: wallywabash | January 12, 2009 at 02:48 PM
It is tempting to think of all the awful, uncivil things one could get up to and list your restraint as a contribution... but I worry that's a trap.
Diversity is easy. I'm two standard deviations below the school faculty height average, easy. And I wear flats, to better serve as a role model for other short people.
Posted by: Shelley Norman | January 12, 2009 at 03:18 PM
I didn'tie, I am fun to be around. Especially after 3 beers.
Posted by: Tim Haab | January 12, 2009 at 03:54 PM
"didn'tie"
After 3 beers?
Posted by: John Whitehead | January 12, 2009 at 04:33 PM
Crap. Didn't lie.
Posted by: Tim Haab | January 12, 2009 at 06:29 PM