Facing my fears

Every Memorial Day weekend we meet friends at a cabin in Burnside, Kentucky.  Four adults and six kids, ranging in age from 5 to 11 (the kids, not the adults).  Saturday morning, the kids were on the porch playing, the wives were out on a lovely nature walk, and I was comfortably plopped on the couch doing absolutely nothing.  My relaxation was broken by a blood-curdling scream of "TIIIIMMMM!" from my friend and three kids sprinting up the steps screaming "SNAKE!" 

Read on...

Warning:  Cruelty to animals below--and I don't care.

Now, before I go any further in the story, you have to understand that I am mortally terrified of snakes.  For absolutely no reason.  I have never had an encounter with a snake.  I have never seen an uncaged snake much closer than 50 feet.  Yet I am terrified.  I won't even look at a picture, and I absolutely refuse to go in the reptile house at the zoo.  If I see a snake, my pulse quickens, I sweat, and I immediately get chest pains.  I'm not afraid of anything else: Lizards--OK.  Spiders--OK.  Lions and Tigers and Bears...OK.  Snakes--wet-my-pants afraid. 

If you've followed the story closely so far, you have noticed a problem.  Three kids came running inside.  My friend is on the lower level.  The wives are on a walk.  But three kids are missing.  They're still on the porch.  Now I have a choice to make.  Kids or snake?

Being a good father, I reluctantly convince myself to do the right thing--but to my own dismay, the quickly put together cost/benefit analysis turned out much closer than I would like to admit.

I run to the basement and see my friend standing by the door pointing.  In the deep recesses of my demented mind I'm hoping everyone has overreacted and I am going to be staring at a 3 inch garden variety snake.  No luck.  Instead I am looking out the door at a 25 foot Burmese Python. 

OK, maybe not, but it was a 5-6 foot long black snake of some variety about as big around as a telephone pole. 

OK, maybe not.  No matter.  It was long, big and menacing. 

Summoning our inner fortitude, we managed to wrangle the remaining kids around the side of the house and in through another door.  Now we're all safe--except for the wives, but they can fend for themselves for all I care at this point.  We're inside and safe.  They're outside and on their own. Who says chivalry is dead? 

One problem.  Pablo--as the kids came to name the snake--didn't show any signs of wanting to leave.

So my friend and I did what any two red-blooded American males faced with insurmountable obstacles would do...we decided to man-up. 

In the closet in the basement I found a hoe and a shovel.  I handed my friend the hoe and I took the shovel and we headed out to face the evil.  I should probably mention at this point that I forgot to put on shoes--I don't think my capability for rational thought was all there. 

We moved out onto the porch behind Pablo and stood staring at the 25 foot nightmare.  A hiker walked by the cabin and my friend called her over with "Do you know anything about snakes?" 

"Not much," she answered. 

"Does that look poisonous to you?" 

"I don't know, but I wouldn't take any chances," she said. 

Good advice, I thought. 

"I'd kill it," she said.

I was afraid of that.

My friend came up with the plan.  He would pin it down as close to the head as he could with the hoe, I could then come up from behind and hack off the head with the shovel.  Good plan. 

Attempt 1:  My friend strikes a mighty blow and pins Pablo to the concrete.  Pablo immediately recoils and wraps himself around the hoe handle.  My turn to move in and finish him.  Unfortunately, he is pinned too close to the wall and I can't get the shovel in to take a good whack. My friend announces "I'm going to try to scoot him away from the wall so we can get a better shot."  Good plan. 

Attempt 2:  Did you know that threatened snakes are REALLY fast? 

And really angry?

As soon as the grip of the hoe loosened Pablo turned and lashed out at us.  Luckily the cat-like reflexes of my friend slammed the hoe back down before Pablo could take his anger out on our lower extremities.  Did I mention that I wasn't wearing shoes? 

At this point we have drawn an audience.  The six kids have ventured back outside to watch the proceedings.  The wives have returned from their walk.  After finding out what is going on, my wife is awestruck to find that I have not passed out in a pool of my own vomit, and in fact have engaged in a battle with the demon Pablo.  Major husband points for me!

Attempt 3: The audience screamed loudly as Pablo tried his counter attack. He is now pinned about a foot from his head, writhing in an attempt to get loose, still in a position that renders the shovel useless.  My friend readjusts again and manages to pin Pablo just below the head.  This is my chance.  I inch forward in my bare feet, shield myself behind my friend, and strike with the blade of the shovel.  Nothing.  I strike again.  Maybe a glancing blow.  The audience screams.  Mortified.  But impressed at our bravery.  We battle on.  Blow after blow.  Finally, I sever the beast's head and scoot it away--you know, so it can't reattach itself. 

What? 

It can happen. 

I saw it in a movie once. 

Did you know it takes over 15 minutes for a snake to stop moving after it's head is severed? 

And it's really creepy and gross. 

And did you know that facing your fears doesn't prevent nightmares? 

And just so you don't think I'm lying, here's picture of Pablo just before the end of ages battle.

Anybody know what kind of snake it is?  We think it's a Copperhead but it seems a little dark for that.  Anaconda? 

Comments

[Pete G]

It might be a Rat snake.

http://www.uga.edu/srelherp/snakes/elaobs.htm

[Jack Schieffer]

My dim* Boy Scout memories tell me that there are four types of poisonous snakes native to North America:
* Rattlesnakes
* Water moccasins (cotton mouths)
* Copperheads
* Coral snakes

From the photo, Pablo doesn't look like a rattler, and I'm guessing you would have mentioned a scary rattling sound if there were one. Definitely not a coral snake (which have the deadliest poison of the bunch, btw). I agree with you, Tim, that it looks too dark to be a copperhead. Perhaps a water moccasin? Water moccains supposedly open their mouths to scare off attackers. The cotton mouth name comes from the light coloring of the insides of their mouths. However, I remember water moccasins as being relatively short and fat. I'm guessing Pablo was non-poisonous (although still scary-looking).

*I meant the memories are dim, although come to think of it, so were some of the Boy Scouts...

[justin]

diamond backed water snake is what I call em.

[justin]

diamond backed water snake is what I call em.

[Matt]

Pretty sure it's just a tree limb that looks like a snake

[LT]

You'll probably be disappointed, Tim, but I'm almost positive that's a harmless rat snake.

[Tim Haab]

LT:

Disappointed? Never. We were acting on the best information we had available. It may seem Don Quixote-like in hindsight, but at the time, we were battling a vile creature capable of eating 1,000 times it's own body weight (can't all snakes do that?). Harmless. Pffft. Is peace of mind worth nothing to you?

[Joshua Corning]

It might be a Rat snake.

If I knew it was harmless I would have killed it myself.

[Carolina]

So, are you over your fear of snakes? You know what they say, if you face your fears, you get over them. I must say, I am not particularly looking forward to figure out if that is the case.

[John Whitehead]

Not a single cruelty to animals comment? Wow.

P.S. I'm in the un-air conditioned business center of the Econolodge in Falls Church, Va. No in room internet and not a decent restaurant around. But the econolodge is about $100 cheaper than the hotels one Metro stop down the line.

[Paul]

Tim,

I assume that every snake is harmless and I am rarely worried about snakes even where there is high probability of having a snake encounter such as the local climbing area.

Ticks... Well that is another story. I'm wigged out by ticks.

My brother Doug, the lead scientist mentioned in
the env-econ post, http://www.env-econ.net/2007/01/sex_change.html, thinks I should wise up about snakes. Come to think of it, in general, he thinks I should wise up.

Here's a fall '07 photo of a snake encounter that occurred at a base of a climbing route. See http://faculty.ucmo.edu/pchambers/snake.jpg.
I guessed I walked almost right on top of it. By the time my climbing partner reached the area, it wasn't happy.

[Dano]

She also looks pregnant. You killed a pregnant rat snake.

Best,

D

(who once dreamed of being a herpetologist and as a boy was a pen pal of Ross Allen)

[JP]

If this had been a bear, and the story went, I saw a black bear, I wasn't sure if it was dangerous, so I got out my shotgun and started shooting. You would probably call me an idiot. If you are ignorant, leave the animal alone both for your own safety and his. Unless the snake has crawled into your bedroom (at which point you close the door and call animal control), just stay clear of it, you obviously had another way in and out of your house, just avoid the damn porch. If it had been a rattle snake, you might have been even more surprised at how fast those suckers can move. While living in Tucson, where while locking the door to my car, I heard a rattle under the tree I had just parked next to. Having hiked there, I was smart enough to learn what I needed to know. I backed away slowly, he went back to doing what he was doing, and once my heart calmed down, I walked into our office to warn anyone whose car happened to be near the snake. Of course, they are an endangered species so we can't just go hitting them over the head with a shovel. Just because you are afraid of something doesn't mean you have to kill it.

[David]

Yeah I'm with JP. Just leave them alone. Attacking it with a shovel was actually probably about the most dangerous thing you could have done.

[David Zetland]

Luckily, you were not on a plane. Woulda crashed for sure...

[Larry Sheldon]

Really sorry to hear you made an unprovoked attack.

Calls into question your judgment in other matters.

[Chris]

I've seen a redneck family do more or less the same thing, involving the same array of gardening tools. You know, uneducated country folk who didn't get past the 6th grade and believe that Satan manifests as a snake.

If you can't actually deal with the natural world, why venture into it in the first place?

For the record, that variety of snake can be picked up and handled using the same precautions you'd observe with a common house cat, provided you don't first attack it (or the cat) with a hoe.

[reason]

I don't understand why you killed the snake. It was harmless and wasn't hurting anyone. In Australia, we have lots of poisonous snakes, but the general opinion, make lots of noise and usually they will move out the way. If not walk around them. They have no interest in eating you, (the things they eat are mostly things you would regard as vermon). Just leave them alone.

[Alan Dove]

Tim, you've left us hanging on the most important question of all: how did it taste? It looks like it was well-fed (those lumps are probably former mice, not snake eggs as one earlier poster seems to think), so it should've been good eatin'. When in Kentucky...

[Barb Ryba]

I have never ben prouder of my son-in-law.
Well, maybe once or twice but nit too often.
Barb

[Barb ryba]

Sorry about typo.

[Nancy]

Your psychologist sister-in-law says... Congratulations Tim! This is what we call Exposure Therapy and, according to theory, you should now be cured of your snake phobia.

Like your wife, I too am amazed you weren't passed out in a pool of your own vomit.

You should've come to NYC instead.

Happy Memorial Day!!

[Tim Haab]

I'm not sure how to take it when those who know me best are those who are the most amazed that I was able to handle the situation. What's that say about the impression I've made on everyone?

[Barb Ryba]

We love you because of, and in spite of, your idiosyncracies.

[Joshua Corning]

What's that say about the impression I've made on everyone?

That you have lied cheated and stole from those closest to you so as to shun any real responsibility.

Or worse =)

Hey look Dano is back!!

Not a single cruelty to animals comment? Wow.

I thought this one was:

If I knew it was harmless I would have killed it myself.

But i guess you would have had to read the book.